to become a mommy is the largest dream of most women. once i married in august, i expected myself to conceive as soon as possible. but it just happened after 5 months of my marriage.
but now, for the next one, i’m gonna go for family planning.
i just get this awareness as soon as i had my own child. at least for me, to be a parent is not as easy as having a child. unmarried couples also able to have babies, but most of them never become parents to the children they deliver. parenting, in my opinion previously, is only a common sense. however, with the arrival of Mr. Hafiy, my perspective changed drastically. to me, it is not about to grow a child up, but to nurture him, to become a person with high quality, at least better than us. i read about an ancient civilization (can’t remember which), in their social hierarchy, a son should be better than his father, in term of job they occupied. example, if the father is a pemotong kayu, the child could be a carpenter. thus, the next generation would be more pakar than the previous ones.
all this while, i ONLY read about childcare e.g. how to bathe a baby, how to clean a baby, how to feed a baby, etc. but i almost forgot about non-physical care i.e. educating & nourishing young brain, etc. i heard about ‘one is parenting the way she is parented’. i guess, yes. even before i have my own child, i used the same approach my mom did to me, when dealing with my younger brother. school holiday with me never be a pleasant one, he have to do revision, & start to study for the next year’s subjects. this called parenting autopilot. cos it is driven without my preparation, even without my consciousness.
for my son, i try to control my parenting autopilot. i want to be as conscious as possible, so that i’ll able to watch him and chart his development, and most importantly, i would know what i do for him, and that is what i want to do, not what i’m accidentally did. and this one, i have to start as soon as possible, because i don’t know when his brain starts to process what he sees, and i take it as ‘since birth, he sees me’.
some key points that i put on practice. (i guess i wanna share it with all mommies, for their personal opinion & share their personal practice)
1. watch our word
as a ex-teenager who have friends from all species, i am really into an easy-going kind of life. sometimes i used the words like “d*mn”, “cr*p”, “oh, sh*t”, etc. to express my unsatisfactory. now i don’t want my kids to use those words. then i stop using those, instead put “astaghfirullahal’aziem” in all situation.
i also noticed that, everytime i mention bad things about my son, it’ll happen eventually, immediately. say, i babble to someone about his perangai nangis tak berenti sampai tak tido malam, that coming nite he’ll be exactly like what i babbled before. yes, now i admit that, everyword from a mother need to be filtered, especially bad things.
so? instead of babbling around, i ‘convert’ it into prayer, may our sleep tonite is a good & quality one.
2. watch our action
a little kid’s mind may have tendency to copy his parents’ act. thus, we cut our not-so-good habits and replace them with the better ones, especially in stress management. when a little child sees how we manage our stress, he’ll make copy. and don’t be surprise if a child likes to scold and make a mess, if it’s the way how you manage your stress.
during the early days especially during confinement, i was so fail in handling stress. especially when involving my cry-all-the-time boy. sometimes i channel it to him. poor boy. but recently, when he cries unstoppable in the middle of the nite, i take it positively and enjoy it as much as possible. i can read books (if i’m not that sleepy) & watch TV while cradling him.
3. appreciate his feelings
as young infant, the only way he can express his feelings is thru signals. and the most popular signal of his is by crying. previously, his crying could drive me mad, and of course i release my anger on him. but recently i learned that, he has right to cry. he has right to feel discontented. he has right to feel unhappy. and he has right to get what he wants. everytime he frown his face (as a sign before he starts scream), i would say “oh honey, you’ll look better if you smile”. sometimes it works if he wants to cry because of boredom. but it doesn’t work for other reasons like wet diaper, tiredness, or he’s sleepy.
sometimes he cries for no reason. already fed, diaper changed, etc. but i don’t simply get mad or say “stop crying!”. instead, i take him for a light walk and talk to him. some elders complaint about this “jgn ajar anak berdukung, nanti susah nak tinggal2”. but for me, it is the way to soothe my son, and the way i appreciate him. he might want to has a walk, exploring things around him (as his sight becomes better recently). i can make him sleep by putting him inside his cradle, but at the same time i ignore his feeling, and i break his self-esteem.
4. encourage him
my son starts to make some sounds. definitely i don’t understand what he says. but i talk to him like he understand me & i understand him. when i talk to him, then he says “oh”, “ah”, “eek”, i’ll repeat it into words, e.g. Me: so you wanna go back to our Miri house? Him: ah Me: oh, you can’t wait to be in our house… good boy Him: eh Me: oh you want to fly there as soon as possible.. yada yada yada.
i can’t say whether this may encourage him to talk early, but at least for his age, i intro him to a conversation tat he will explore later by himself.
5. involve him in daily activities
he’s still small, so i just involve him in activities those i can hold him e.g. do my work on pc while breastfeeding him, put him on my lap while reading book, etc. i believe that, when he sees what his parents do since his early age, he’ll become familiar to and i hope it will be easier to intro him to books and computer later.
6. involve him in daily devotion
however, i’m still not taking him with me when i perform solat. i tried several times but he cried. maybe he’s too young and wonder ‘what my Mommy’s doing? why she puts me down here? why don’t she carry me?…’
instead, i do on other things, like recite al-matsurat to him every morning & evening, doa sebelum makan before breastfeed him & doa selepas makan after filling his up, use zikir as lullaby, etc.
7. telling him “why” & provide solution
my son likes to suck his mitten/fingers. instead of pulling his hand down and say “tak boleh, tak boleh”, i pull his hand down and say “no, you can’t suck your mitten, got germs. if you like, you can do it on Mommy’s nenen, got milk”. yes, he doesn’t understand but as the time flies, he knows why i prohibit him from sucking his fingers.
a total “tak boleh” will leave him a question mark. ‘what is tak boleh? tak boleh suck mitten, or tak boleh suck, or tak boleh put my hand in my mouth or tak boleh move my hand or..?’. it might retard his interest to explore more things.
8. don’t push him & don’t compare
my friend’s son started to turn in his 2 month old of age. my son shows no slight development in his physical ability. he is just he same boy i knew a month ago. however, my boy is my boy. every child has its own developmental curve. i don’t mind if my boy is a bit late compared to other children in his age, as long as it is normal for an infant. unless, he doesn’t show any development after 4-5 months, i might have to check with his paed.
i celebrate him, everytime i notice he makes new things. especially when he looks at me and make new sounds. it doesn’t matter if he is a bit late, walking or talking, as long as he grows up as an excellent boy, from what i nourish him. cos what will be in his resume is his exam result, experience and activities, not when he started to talk or walk.
9. pray for him
this should be put at the point no 1 but i just wanna put it here. everytime after solat, i pray for him, and also for me so that i’m gonna be a good mom for him. as i said, every bad thing i mention about him, will be ‘blessed’, so i pray all the good things and stop mentioning bad things about my son. i notice that, for good things, i have to put all my attention but for bad things, even if while joking, it’ll still happen. how masin mulut Mommy…
it’s not easy for me to be a parent. as i was encouraged to read and learn about pregnancy even before i got pregnant, i guess, everybody should read and learn about parenting even before becoming a parent.
oh, it’s be never too late.
as for me, i..
– read more books and worldwideweb.
– get experts’ advice (experienced parents those can be role models).
– getting more organized to balance between work, friendship, husband & child.
– berlapang dada with others. there’s many school of tots & we know what’s the best for us & our kids.
is there any mom who would like to share with me?
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